Diary

Why?

I don’t understand why people do what they do. Why did that man feel the need to open fire on people trying to enjoy a country concert?! Why is there so much evil in this world, so much hatred? It hurts my heart to know that over 50 people have been killed and over 500 wounded because a man thought to shoot at them from a hotel room window. 

It makes me ache, knowing how passive and peaceful a person I am, that someone could even do such a terrible thing. I don’t understand, and I don’t think I ever will.

May the Mother and Father of All That Is hold those that we have lost in their sacred arms. May They watch and comfort those who have experienced loss. May They help our country heal, and help humanity get back on the right path, of love and light and peace.

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Diary

What the f*** am I doing?

Do you ever have those moments where you have absolutely no idea what is going on in your life and you feel like everything is spiraling out of control, even when it isn’t?

I feel like that right now. I have my good days and my bad days, but everything seems to be a huge whirlwind right now and I don’t know why.

I want to write. I need to write, but I can’t get everything out of my brain and either onto paper or in a blog post. So much is going on in my head that I can’t even make sense of it all. Sometimes I just want to sit down and write everything out, no matter if it makes sense or not. It would just be helpful to me, I suppose, and not really anyone else. I don’t even know how to put my thoughts into words most of the time, and its something that seems to be an increasing issue.

I get over emotional. I get under emotional. I become a bundle of nerves and a ball of energy. I become a lump of nothing laying on the bed unable to move. I’m on medication. I’m self medicated with nicotine. I would self-medicate with alcohol if I was able, or allowed. See, I don’t even know where that’s coming from. Sometimes it’s like I have have this entire other voice in my head that rules over everything else and I can’t stop it.

I need Him. I need His guidance and I need His firm hand to make the voices quiet. I need Him to help me. I need Him to guide me in the right direction, to train me to help make the voices in my head stop. To help me stop second guessing myself. To help me feel beautiful. I don’t think He realizes how much I need Him.

I don’t think He gets how much I need his help, and I don’t know how to explain it to Him in a way that He can understand. I need to let go. I need to release my mind and fall into the space of nothingness when I am under His control. I need to structure and the submission. I need the discipline that He can provide for me.

I need Him.

Diary · Uncategorized

Keeping a Journal

I’ve decided to start keeping a submissive journal, something Sir can easily pick up and read when he feels like it. I would like for the first few pages to become a list of our rules and protocols as we add to them, so it gives me a physical place to look at what is expected of me. 

I got this cute little composition book at Wal-Mart for about $1 and I figured it would do for now! 

Diary

8.28.17

I’ve been off the radar for a while now. It feels like forever, but I’m sure it is only a few weeks. Sir and I got settled into our new home, in our new state. We both started our new jobs. Life has been crazy, that’s for sure!

I started my new job last week and, let’s just say I am way over qualified for this position. Hopefully it helps me to move up faster and maybe get rid of some of the dead weight. There seems to be a lot of that. The people there don’t have good attitudes regarding their jobs. They seem bitter and frustrated with the new management, who is “stricter” (read: just doing the job the previous manager didn’t). On the plus side, I have good benefits and a set schedule.

Sir started his job last week as well and, of course, he hates it. He’s over doing what he does right now and I don’t blame him. We are both still so young and he has no idea what he wants to do with his life in regards to a career, so everything is a toss up whenever he starts a job. Either he will love it or hate it. I have yet to see him love a job in the (almost) 9 years we’ve been together.

As far as our D/s goes, I feel like it has been put on hold for the simple fact that we no longer live alone. Moving up here, we had to move in with his family and that means no privacy. This house is packed with people and we are currently sharing a room with an 18 year old and our child. So we are struggling with consistency and overall D/s dynamic right now.

On to a new adventure, I suppose!

Diary

8.5.17

I know I’ve been gone for a bit, but I just want to give an update. We are in the process of moving to another state and everything is just going crazy right now. I don’t have as much time to sit and write as I would like, but I’m still here. I’m still submissive, and I’m still exploring ways to be a better submissive for Sir and the best ways to serve and please him.

I’ll be back soon, and I’ve thrown around the idea of doing a podcast surrounding BDSM and submission, but I’m not sure yet. Would anyone listen to it?